Ok, moving on. As I said in a recent post, I have been spending oodles of noodles of time on Stumbleupon.com, more commonly known as the internet productivity blackhole. Since I have been off of facebook, the webpages that I like has gone from around 70 to 149. That’s right. Over 70 liked pages. That is both intense and sad, but also good for all of you, my mystery readers (most of whom I do not know who you are and why you think my words are important), because I am going to share the best ones with you. Here they are, enjoy:

While I stumbled, I listened to this: http://www.rainymood.com/

#149: www.gameboyonline.com

I spent a good 4 hours playing Pokemon on this damn website. I don’t even know why I did, I never played it when I was younger, and I was a little curious. Don’t judge me.

#147: www.livenirvana.com/pics/9309unk/images/vma_60.jpg

I like this one because it was the first image in a long time that made me want to make a motivational poster. Here it is below:

#142: images.dailydawdle.com/crying-onion.jpg

I have nothing to say that will add to this.

#139: www.polyvore.com/bro_tips/collection%3Fid%3D838819

I wanted to share a lot of these with my bros, but then I realized I didn’t know who my bros were anymore, so I’m just going to post it here and hope they see them.

#130: survivingtheworld.net/Lesson58.html

The guy from Survivng the World is a common face for me, and therefore, one of my only friends.  He dispenses wisdom in the only form that I understand: humor.

#127: www.inbflat.net

This took so much of my time simply due to all of the different combination of sounds you can make. It is really beautiful in a really weird way.

#116: www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

This. Video. Is. Awesome. More and more, I’m realizing that Sheen’s meltdown was really one big publicity stunt that we all fell for. I mean, no one is that insane and entertaining without being in a mental institution or on an episode of Maury. In any case, all green things must die.

#105: www.inudge.net/index.en.html

Hey, you like music? Well fuck. Try this website out anyway; it’s pretty awesome, and also a hardcore music maker.

#101: www.nerdblerp.com/story/2011-02-02-7-grimm-fairy-tales-that-would-make-great-movies

I recently read that there are 3 new adaptations of “Snow White” coming out within the next 2 years, which proves that Hollywood is really goddamn lazy. Here Hollywood, someone did your research for you. Make these movies.

#97: www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/the_10_creepiest_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_episod.php

This is the article I wrote about a couple of posts ago, so I’m not going to explain it any further.

#92: www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2010/02/09/the-science-of-the-creation-museum

Now, I am already a fan of Vice Magazine, so I already liked the site. But it still seems fitting that stumbleupon takes me there occasionally. And even though I read this article a while ago, I still liked it because the first image they show is of Eve copping a feel of Adam. Stay classy Vice Magazine!

#89: www.andrewbosley.com/the-brainstormer.html

I loved this because it is a really effective way of getting an idea for a story that in no way, shape, or form is not a comedy. For instance, when I just clicked on the button, I got “Prey to Misfortune, Wartorn, Dwarf.” Comedy gold!!!

#80: www.soundcloud.com/tracks/search%3Fq%3DDon%2527t%2520Worry%2C%2520I%2527m%2520Yours%2520%28Jason%2520Mraz%2520vs.%2520Bobby%2520McFerrin%2520vs.%2520Israel%2520Kamakawiwo%2527ole%2

This is such a feel good song, in that they take 3 feel good songs and put them ass to mouth, like what you would expect if Human Centipede was an upbeat musical. This song also introduced me to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” which I now love.

Ok, the rest of my likes are ones that I would find useful for my random interests, or a lot like others that I found. I hope you waited to look at them all until now. No, that wasn’t a rule, I just thought you would be polite enough to wait until the end. You didn’t? Well, you’re a dick.

OK, I don’t have anything else left to say for this post, so I’m going to end it here. I’m going to go stumbeupon…

STUMBLE!!!!

P.S. I only have 19 days left until I can get back on Facebook. Hooray!

STUMBLE!!!

Well, after that whole ordeal, I found the video that is below. I think it might just answer some questions about why almost 4 days of my life are gone with me having no recollection any of the events that transpired. But I’m still not sure how the beautiful woman factors into all of this. While I try and figure it out, you can watch the video. Enjoy.

On the bright side of all of this, since I do not remember the last four days, that means being off of Facebook was super-easy. I like that trade off.

And here are some pictures of the damage done to my room. Some of the pictures are pretty interesting.

I don't really have good captions for these.

I feel that they speak for themselves.

Stop reading these captions and just look at the damn pictures.

Why aren't you listening to me?

Bart Simpson right next to Facebook Jesus?

And I'm spent.

Peace

Hello Everybody! I’ve missed you! Here, pull up a chair, and I will tell you all about my first week without Facebook. For those of you who aren’t going through this with me (which should be all of you), go fuck yourself. Fuck you. You think you know me? Bitch, I will straight jump through the fucking internet and strangle you with Google’s search algorithm. Don’t fucking test me; I am Minigan Blackwood: Internet Lord. YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY?! TWUNT, YOU ARE FUCKING NOTHING TO FUCKING ME. I WILL FUCKING FUCKING KICK BALLS TITTY SLAP SHIT COUGAR DOUCHE COCK HELL ADHKJDELSD KDMEKFDKDFK AKJD FEIAS TLKDMEM ASLKJ AIFJADKJF KDIEAGHKE COX SEIG AOIEADNMD DOID DFA………………………….

I'm sorry, the writer whose words you were reading, Minigan, just had a mental episode. Please make a note of it.

Sorry about that. My “Darkside” took over for a moment. Anyway, what I was going to say was that this is actually much more difficult than what I previously expected. I didn’t  actually think of the social ramifications that would come about from me not having a facebook. I have no clue as to what’s going on in any of my friends lives right now. If I want to know, then I have to ask them, and I don’t want that, because they will take it as an invitation to vomit out every little bad thing that has happened since the last time I talked to them. For instance, I found out today that one of my coworkers broke up with her boyfriend. This actually wouldn’t be news to me at all, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone else knew about it but me. I know that I am not important enough to be kept in the loop for every detail of everyone’s lives, but c’mon people, at least clue me in on the important stuff.

But despite that, I think the worst part of not being on facebook is that it did not lower my time that I waste online. That was my main expectation: that since I was not wasting my time on facebook, I could do other activities like watch movies, read books, go outside, and be a member of a real society again, but this didn’t happen. The only thing that happened is that I took all the time that I was wasting on facebook, and dispersed it on many less worthy websites. The things I have been wasting my time with have also become increasingly weirder as well. I seriously spent two day watching old episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on Youtube (fun fact: when you watch the show now, you can tell that it is very Canadian).  And to be honest, for a kid show, they are actually pretty intense, in particular the episode below, “The tale of Dead Man’s Float.”

I remember this episode better than I remember many of the others specifically for the ghost in it. Before I watched it again I did not have a clear image in my mind of what it looked like, so when I got to the part when it rises out of the water for the first time, I said, partially in shock, “That ghost is horrifying.”

Sweet Merciful Fuck! This is from a kid's show!?!?

The episode itself isn’t all that dramatic, but the story is only about 20 minutes long, so that can be forgiven, especially after seeing that ghost. I may not have screamed when I saw it, but the fact that I actually said out load that something is terrifying is usually a pretty good sign that it is scary as shit. Seriously, look at that picture. Picture yourself standing at the edge of a pool when that thing comes out. If you do not see yourself emptying your bowels into your pants, then you are either stupidly cocky, or you have balls the size of aircraft carriers.

Anyway, another thing that has been stealing time away from me was this game. It is called Douchebag Workout, and in it, you basically lift weights and try to get your character to go from weakling to muscular douchebag. It kind of pissed me off because it makes it seem like the key ingredient to douchebag behavior is a muscular physique. And to stick up for my gym rat brethren (not myself- I have already proven that I am a douchebag), I would like to point out that most of the are good guys that do not have an over inflated sense of self-worth. But with all that aside, the fun thing about this game is that you can take illegal substances in the game like steroids and some radioactive Russian hormone booster. These are things that I would never try on myself, but If I am using it on a virtual person, why the hell not?  It is also pretty awesome to see results after only three reps, but hey, I’m not a personal trainer, maybe that is how it actually works and I’ve been wrong this entire time. Or, you know, it could be the steroids. Anywhoo, I beat the game in one day, and once I was done, I realized that I just wasted all that time doing something to a virtual person, only for me to turn around and go to the gym later that day. I might be obsessed with working out.

Despite both of those time wasters, Stumbleupon has been by far the most time consuming. I am not going to explain what Stumbleupon is, because you have already read its name, and your curiosity will draw you there either way. But, if you are so foolish to go looking for it, there is no saving you. You will be lost forever in the dense ocean that is the internet. You will be forever trapped in a limbo of websites. Some good, some bad, but each one beconing you to click that button again and see what’s next. It is internet crack. But it’s free, so you don’t need to suck anyone’s dick for it, so it does have that going for it.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: yes, facebook is a major time waster. Yes,  most of the shit that is posted on it is retarded, and is better left in the person’s head. Yes, people take it too seriously. But at least it is actually a form of social interaction. That’s right, I said it. It is a form of social interaction. You show your friends pictures, videos, random websites, tell them jokes, talk to them, let them know general information about you, of course that is social interaction. It is just through a new medium. And that is what is lacking from everything else that I have been doing online: that interaction. Despite the fact that I am looking at the same thing as a million other people, I am still completely isolated from them because of this whole Jesus thing. It’s kind of depressing when you stop to think about it. To counteract that, here is a picture of a puppy:

Well, that is all that I have to say about that.

Peaces and cream

Blam.

But at least our priests look like pimps

So yes, I decided to be hardcore about it this year and give up facebook for Lent. And I am going to share the experience with you, so that you can learn from my mistakes. Hooray entertaining people at the cost of a lot of virtual social interaction!

The Rules:

1. No logging into Facebook at all unless it is an emergency (I don’t know what scenario would lead to a Facebook emergency,  I assume it would be when Zuckerberg sends his thugs to forcibly log me in.) When I say at all, I mean that I cannot use a computer, phone, or iPod to get onto Facebook.
2. I am not allowed to read the e-mail notification that Facebook sends me. I cannot promise not to open the e-mail, because my blackberry opens recently received e-mails when I pull my phone out of its sleeve.
3. I am not allowed to have anyone post something for me, nor am I allowed to look over someone’s shoulder and read what is on Facebook.  That is like indirect facebooking, and is just as bad. And along the same lines…
4. If I unintentionally do read what someone has posted via e-mail (it happens), then I am not allowed to respond to it via my blog. Also pertaining to my blog,  I am not to use it as a way to update my status. If I am going to write a blog, it has to be at least 500 words or a two minute video.

But what this means for all of you is that you can write diabolical things on my wall, and I will not be able to do a thing to stop it. You guys could have a blast with that. Be creative! Have fun!

Anyway, in an attempt to keep the readers of my blog (who may or may not be my facebook friends) informed on my journey through the next 40 days of Lent without facebook, I have decided to use my blog as a travel journal of sorts. Buckle up, bitches, the road is about to get all fucking Catholic up in here. Wow, that metaphor didn’t make sense.

Day 1

11:00 AM (or sometime around there)

The first thought after deciding to give up facebook was I should update my status so that I let all my friends know. I then noted that my immediate reaction of me giving up facebook was to talk about it on facebook. This is going to be a hard 40 days.

I then found out that a job that I am going in for will mostly deal with social media, you know, like facebook. This is going to be a really fucking hard 40 days.

2:30-3:30 PM

I spend most of this time pacing.  I don’t think that this had much to do with facebook, as it did with the boredom that I was feeling at the time.

5:30

I got home from the gym and really wanted to update my status about me dead lifting 405 lbs, which is a new record for me. I was really pissed that I couldn’t gloat about it, but I moved passed it.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. There were minor instances in which I had the urge to update my status or upload a photo. Luckily, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, photoshopping an image of myself and my last blog post kept me busy enough to forget all about Facebook for the rest of the night.

Day 2

I cheated a little today; Katie Waldrop was looking at my facebook page, and I asked her to tell me who liked the link to my last blog post. I’m pretty sure that by me committing such an infraction, The Pope is going to personally cut off one of my toes.

Katie Waldrop is a temptress from Hell

Even though I did slip up, right after that I came up with the rules you read above, so now I actually have guidelines I need to follow. The structure should make it easier for me.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad. I spent my time after work at the gym, taking a shower, ruining waffles, and sleeping. However, I am already starting to forget important numbers from Facebook, like my friend and photo count. But hey, as long as I don’t forget who my friends are, it shouldn’t be so bad, right?

Ok, that’s all I have for now. I will be posting throughout the 40 days of Lent, so check back regularly to see where I am in this whole ordeal.

Also, If you clicked on the link from my Facebook page and got here, you are probably wondering how I posted this to my wall. Well, I had previously set up my WordPress account to automatically update my Facebook page whenever I publish a blog post. Since this was implemented long before Lent, I am going to allow it. Suck on that, Yahweh.

Peace

Superman is much more of a preppy asshole than what I would have guessed.

Let’s break this photo down.

1. I guess I should start with the most vague symbol of my douchebaggery- my build. It isn’t that I am muscular which makes me a douchebag. No, many people who are muscular aren’t douchebags. It is being muscular along with being self absorbed which makes one a douchebag. Look at me. I couldn’t help but take a pic of my flexed bicep as I walked into the bathroom. There is a phrase I like to use that describes that kind of narcisism, and that is “self suck.” You can just tell that I am insecure and I work out just to make myself feel better.

2. My shirt- not only am I so insecure about myself that I need to flex whenever there is a mirror in front of me, but I also have to wear tight-fitting clothes to accentuate (I purposely used the gayest word I could think of to take a stab at myself) my build. But not only is it tight, it is also a baby blue Superman shirt, which makes it all 10 times worse. Since the shirt references a comic book character, I can either be a geek poser, or someone who actually believes that I am superman. Either way, I’m a douche. Next: the color. The only guys who wear baby blue are either gay or douchebags, and if this was another person, I would say that the person was both. So not only am I a douchebag, I am also a huge hypocrite, All because I am wearing this shirt. If only that shirt had a collar that I could pop, I could create a black hole of pure douchebag energy.

3. My fucking face- Look at it. I mean, really look at it.  The expression I am making is a cross between duckface and an overconfidant smirk.  Too bad my pasty white ass isn’t tanner, because the wrinkles on my face would have been much more noticable and funny for you guys. But the fact that I managed to not make a Jersey Shore Guido kissy face is the only thing I have done my entire life that I should actually be commended for.

4. The flowers- Where the fuck did I take this picture? A meadow?

5. My hat-Now, this is going to be difficult for me; I love that hat, but with everything that I am doing in this picture, it only adds to my overall douchebaggery. Also, look at the pins on it. Why in the hell do I need pieces of flair? Isn’t my hair and shirt flamboyant enough? Jesus Christ, am I like this all the time?

6. The picture itself- Of all the elements, the face, the hat, the shirt,  the bicep flex, the single most important symbol of  my douchiness is the fact that this picture exists. Don’t believe me? Fuck you. Also, look on Facebook. Facebook is littered with pics just like mine (I would have suggested that you Google Image search “doucebag” to prove my point, but all that comes up was pics of guidos).  What I’m feebly trying  argue is that when you see a picture like mine, you instinctively think that that person, the one standing in the bathroom mirror, taking a tilted picture of themselves with their camera phone, is a complete and utter douchebag. And despite my hating on them before, I have joined their douchey, douchey ranks.

7. The fact that I have pointed this all out to you- You may be thinking that I may be not as big of a douchebag since I see the signs in myself. Afterall, admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovering from that problem, right? Well actually, wrong. With me, The fact that I am aware of my own douchery is the biggest factor of why I am a douchebag. It’s the fact that I know this about my self, but choose to do nothing about it which makes me a douche. I am content with it. I enjoy some of the douchey things I do, even this picture, which I took specifically to show all of you how much of a douche I am. I may write my blogs to entertain you all, but at the end of the day, I am still using it to get attention from you, just as every other douchebag uses their looks/ clothing/ personality/ car/ pictures of themselves/ bizarre STDs to get attention of the people around them.

So now I give you the the Douchebag Hall of Fame:

Douche of the flesh-colored beard

Douchebag of the Popped Collar

King Guido

Musical Douchebag

Douche That Can't Shut The Hell Up, Douche of the Retarded Sunglasses

Dead Douche

Historical Douche

Hipster Douche

Self-Aware Douche

Well, at least I have company. Too bad it’s a sausage fest though, but what can you do?

OK, that’s it for now. I will probably post something tomorrow, so stay tuned. For my facebook friends reading this, I gave up facebook for Lent, so this will be your only connection to me for the next 38 days. But more on that tomorrow.

Peas and lub, wurd.

Well, this decade is going to be different. For this decade, I am going to be proactive and post videos of the year so at the end of the decade, I will have a list to choose from.  That means that below is my list of videos for 2010. I am going to admit, there is none of this double rainbow nonsense. Seriously, fuck that hippie. Fuck him right in the ear.

So yes, here is my video choices of 2010!!! Woo multimedia and/ or intertextuality!

Videos of the year

Huntsville Bed intruder song

It only makes sense that this is the first video on the list; this has got to be the most entertaining music video of the year, other than “The Way you lie” by Eminem and Rihanna (That one where we get to see Dominic Monaghan domestically abuse Megan Fox), but this video takes one family’s pain, and turns it into entertainment for the rest of us. It is essentially doing what most reality TV shows do, except in a shorter, easier to digest clip. It also takes the editing that is done on reality TV to a new level, making the changes blatantly obvious. It is almost as if the video is saying “Look at me! I am an over the top parody of an eccentric person. I am making them into cheap caricatures of them former selves. They will forever be known for the editing job that has turned them into a walking soundbyte!”

Eva Mendes Sex tape

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0a4d42beff/eva-mendes-sex-tape

What’s great about this video is Eva Mendes’s complete acceptance that men only like her cause she is oh so fuckablé. Instead of being offended or disgusted like some prudes would, she laughed it off and decided to play a joke on us all. This intentionally cheesy commercial and Mendes’s purposely horrible acting is even funnier with the lack of understanding that Mendes seems to have. So, while she is confidant and enthusiastic about her product, those of us with penises (and a few of us with vaginas (and even fewer of us with  both)) are surprised and somewhat heart broken when we saw that her sex tape was actually sex tape. I salute you, Miss Mendes. If you keep this up, I might actually begin to respect you as an actor and not just as a piece of meat to oogle.

Karma Sucks

You see, although many of you probably believe that I am an intolerable Douchebag (I wouldn’t consider you wrong there), my douchebaggery is more or less just an act to entertain you.  Having said that, it is not hypocritical of me to say that I hate douchebags in all of their forms. Sure, I have friends that are douchebags, and I like them fine, but I still know that they are douchebags, and therefore, I do not trust them. Now, we have this video. If you ever wanted proof that God/ Allah/ Buddha/ Karma/ whatever fucking loathes douchebags, here it is. This particular video shows what happens when the teenage brand of douchebag gets his comeuppance. I personally did not laugh at this video (at least not after the first few times I watched it), but I do feel an overwhelming surge of good feelings every time it is played. At the least, I feel nothing towards that hipster skateborder who attempted to take out a bike rider and was smacked by the angry front driver’s side bumper of the Lord. Amen.

Honest Grad School Video

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1944515

It takes a certain level of brutal honesty with oneself to admit that they are in no way, shape, or form ready to handle the bullshit that exists in the real world. You can bet your ass that I am not that honest with myself. I am like 99% certain that I am going to be a famous novelist/ actor/ publisher/ billionaire playboy one day, despite the fact that I know deep down that it is never going to happen. But these kids, they’re self aware. They know exactly why they are staying in school longer, and it ain’t their love for academia. (Note: “ain’t” would be considered poor grammar to anyone with more than a Bachelor’s degree, but fuck them. I’m outta school, and my parents couldn’t be prouder.)

Ginger video

This video made it onto the list simply because this kid shot himself right in his pale, freckled foot by making this video. I am now so much more terrified of Gingers than what any episode of South Park could have ever made me. He does a good job at keeping himself calm and dignified, at least until 34 seconds in, when he loses his shit. In fairness to this freak, he is a teenager, so he is all angsty and doesn’t know what he is doing. But if that is the case, what the Hell was with that  thing at46 seconds in? Is that the Ginger mating call? Or is it how they alert others that they are making a kill and that it is time to feed? I also like how he is demanding an answer from us, the viewers, the ones who are watching months after this was put onto the internet, and flips out when we don’t answer him immediately. Either the red hair has infected his brain and he thinks the camera is people,  or this young man can see through the lens and at everyone who has ever watched this video. If it is the latter, then that would explain why he goes apeshit so fast. Think about it, you’re self conscious about how you look so you decided to make a video explaining why what people are saying is hurtful. You want to be eloquent, but all of a sudden, you see millions upon millions of people laughing at you. What would you do? I think your answer is go apeshit- crazy, redheaded freak apeshit.

Oh, and I need to thank Southpark for their parody of this video, if only because they probably pissed this kid off more:

Southpark Ginger video

like a g6

To make sense of the next video, you need to watch the video above.

like it’s quidditch

Yes, I like this video because of the hot Asian chick with the amazing rack, but I also because the video is about Harry Potter, and I have a total man-crush on Harry Potter. I would like to point out that I do NOT have a man-crush on Daniel Radcliffe; he fucks horses, but on the character himself.  Because of this, this video is great because of all of its references to the book series. And they allude to the Bernie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans with better rap skillz than the people in the original video. If you didn’t notice, they rhyme Three6 with G6. That is not even rapping, that is the same goddamn word. Fuck you, Far East Movement, YOU PAY NOW!!! Anyway, although I like all those things (and the fact that they make fun of Tilight) I’ve got to say that my favorite part is definitely the chick with the nice tits.

And since we are on the subject of Harry Potter:

Harry Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard swears

This video is on the list (even though I first watched it this side of 2011) because it answers a question that has bothered me for the past decade: Are there any cuss words in the world of Harry Potter? And if so, what are they? Well guess what you blast ended skanks, there are wizard swears and they are awesome! Expecto-patronads! But the best part of this video to me is how Neville is a squash voiced by Gollum. That is how I had always envisioned him before the movies came along and fucked all that up.

Well, that’s all I got. I am not choosing the definitive video for 2010, mostly because I’m lazy, but also because it will give me a ton more ideas for when I actually vote for it. Sure that just gives me a ton more work at 2019, but  who knows if im still going to be alive in 2019, let alone writing in this blog. So, yea, that’s about it for now.

You Hu-mons have a good evening.

The night was cold, wet. It was like that dead hooker that you had to bury in the rain on one autumn day. That is, it smelled kind of funky and it was still struggling a little. Damn corpses. Anyway, I got into my car, listened to the gentle growl emanate from under the hood as I turned the ignition. I didn’t want to head to Pataskala; I didn’t want to even leave my house, but damnit, Doug guilt tripped me into leaving. “I really want to work on the TV show” he said. “I developed the characters a little more,” he said. What a cunt-stain.  And I never use the word “cunt.” Not unless I am talking about him. I don’t even know why I haven’t stolen this TV show idea and put it together on my own. I guess I like the fact that he immediately includes me on his projects. It makes me feel wanted.

He wouldn't let me go. Oh God, he smelled horrible!

Anyway, my car awoke from its slumber, and The Killers began to blast through the speaker. I smiled. At least the trip over would be a good one. And I could probably just tune Doug out the entire time. He’ll won’t notice; all he does is rant anyway. God, do I hate him. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I never met him. I am pretty sure everything would be nothing but double rainbows and sex without judgment.

Why he exists is impossible to know for sure, but my guess is that he meant to bring death and sorrow to everything good and beatuiful.

Despite the good feelings The Killers put me in, I still looked back at my apartment building with longing. I normally had this feeling that something terrible was going to happen when I go meet Doug, but this was different: I felt that my life was more at stake this time. Shaking off those feelings of foreboding, I began my trek to P-town.

My instincts were correct. Unknown to me, Pataskala actually contains the gates to Hell. Which, in hindsight makes perfect sense, seeing as though Doug lives there. Well, as I was driving towards that town, I saw this red glowing light. It was pulsating, and as I giggled at how funny the word “pulsating” is, some winged, naked, bald man landed on my windshield. Figuring I just hit another gay stereotype who came prancing out of one of the many gay bars that litter The Short North, i was tempted to just continue driving. Grumbling (my conscience got the best of me), I climbed out of the comfort of my car into the cold, dead hooker of a night to examine the damage done.

The man was as muscular as a gay (or as Doug, the meatheaded douchebag) but he was incredibly ugly. There is no way a gay man is that ugly. I took a second look, hoping that it was Doug that I hit, but sadly, no. The winged man was ugly, but not Doug ugly, or what I like to call “Dougly.” Also, although the man and Doug both smell like pure evil, this man smelled like putrid flesh as well, whereas Doug also reeks of Axe body spray.   This dude lying in front of my car had a pig snout and a mouth full of brownish yellow fangs that pointed in different directions. The man’s skin tone was a sickly grey, and his bald, lumpy, and misshapen head sat on top of a long and oddly veiny neck . His leathery and taloned wings were bent awkwardly on the wet pavement. I began to wonder what man would wear leathery wings, and came to the conclusion that this guy had to be gay, but one of those rare fugly gay guys that show up every once and a while.

Fun Fact: Doug can pass as an ugly gay guy.

I leaned over the assumed dead, assumed gay man’s body, wondering whether I should call the cops or roll him into the gutter like the rest of the hit pedestrians, when the man opened his black eyes. I do not mean that they were bruised, or that that his pupils were dilated, but that even the whites of his eyes were black. Sensing that I was looking at some really fucked up shit, I proceeded to get back into my car. I threw the man my insurance card at the man and apologized as I closed the door, but fugly dude let out an ear piercing screech- something that would have annoyed the shit out of a nazgul. The thing jumped onto the hood of my car, crumbling the metal like it was paper.  He then punched through my windshield, but got his massive talon stuck in the tempered glass. I looked around in a panic, but the only thing at my disposal was a copy of “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” that Doug gave me for my Birthday (which I threw into my car, never to think about again). The Stupid asshole; he knew that I hated Twilight. That’s when I remembered- that dumbass didn’t give me the book, “Twilight,” he gave me a hollowed out copy of “Twilight” with a vampire slaying kit inside. I lunged past the writhing demon hand and reached for the book. As my fingers clasped around the book, the monster’s fingers grabbed a fistful of my hair.  My scalp burned as he thrashed me around the front of my car. Somehow, I was able to open the book and grab the Celtic (for some strange reason, vampires are from Eastern Europe after all) Crucifix. As best as I could, I beat the monster’s wrist with it. Hey- Don’t judge me, I was panicking. What would you have done? The stake Doug made for me was as dull as one of his lame jokes. Anyway, to my surprise, the creature let out a angry cry, and let go of my hair. It’s long, grey, and taloned hand pulled out of my windshield.

Given the choice between saving Doug's life and reading a Twilight novel, I would choose the Twilight novel before the person had time to complete the sentence.

At that moment, my foot instinctively pressed down on the accelerator, and my car lurched forward, throwing the winged man over the hood and back onto the pavement. I sped through town, dodging pedestians and other cars like a crazy person, all in an effort to get away from the thing that attacked me. I wasn’t even sure if I was going in the right direction (not that I really cared), I just wanted to get as far away from that monster as possible.

My mind slowly calmed and I found it drifting from the horrors of one monster to another: Doug. I just knew that he would be sitting at the smoothie place, on his golden “Emperor of Awesome” throne he built for himself, shirtless and oiling up his abs, just waiting for me to show up so that he could put on his pathetic show of impotent masculinity.  Part of me always hopes that he ignites the oil on his body during his traditional fire dance to the Thunder God. And, sadly, everytime he completes the ceremony unscathed, I die a little bit more inside.

I hate him and every single one of his 8 abs.

My mind grew tired of the image of Doug aflame, so I began to take notice of where I was heading. I was on the freeway, headed East. Fuck. I was still headed towards Pataskala. And not only that, the throbbing glow (I giggled again) was now an even deeper shade of red and took up more of the sky. Something told me that I was going to have to deal with a lot of shit tonight.

The next few minutes were relatively uneventful, the occasional zombie hoard pulling their victim out of a car, shadow creatures crumbling buildings like they were made of cards, sink holes forming in the middle of the road and spewing out thousands of little devil cherubs. You know, the things you normally see in Columbus Ohio. ( I am not even joking, these are all regular occurences here. If you are reading this and do not live in Ohio, keep it that way. Don’t even drive through Ohio. You will be putting yourself and your loved ones at risk.The fact that Doug also lives within the Ohio borders is only a stronger argument of why you should never come here.) I approached my exit and sighed, knowing what horrors awaited me in the Over Latte Café. Unluckily for the world, but luckily for me, a two story tall shit monster formed at the exit. It wasn’t a solid shit either, it was closer to a thick diarehea shit. It moved around like it was the lava inside of the lamp. It didn’t have eyes so much as sunken pits where eyes supposed to go, but it did have teeth- giant fangs that looked eerily like corn. In fact, to me, it kind of looked like Doug, probably because they are both huge pieces of shit. Anyway, I was kind of estatic at this new development. I cannot honestly say that it was the happiest I had ever been, since there was a giant shit monster lumbering towards me, but at least it wasn’t Doug. Also, I remembered the comment I made about 300 words ago, and I let a short “ha” escape my lips.

Doug thinks that this is what "Goth" looks like. Seriously, fuck this guy.

But due to this laugh, but mostly due to the giant shit monster  stealing my attention,  I was not paying full attention to the road or  the car in front of me slamming on their breaks. Once I noticed that the car in front of me was getting larger at an alarming rate, I in turn slammed on mine, not noticing the slick patch of road that I was careening towards. I hit said patch of slick road, my wheels locked up, and I found my self spinning at an orgasmically terrifying rate. The world outside my car was a blur of reds blacks and grey as the world inside my car was filled with my terrified screams. As I was spinning, all I could think about was how I was going to die here on the highway, and it was going to be all Doug’s fault. That son of a bitch, I thought, I’m gonna haunt the shit out of him.  I skidded to a halt with the passenger side of my car only inches away from the person in front of me. I was about to take a sigh of relief when I looked out the driver’s side window and saw another car barreling towards me. I was paralized with fear, when I realized that it was going to hit me, and all that I was able to do was yell, “FUCK YOU DOUG!!!” The car hit my door. Metal crunched.  Glass shattered. Bones broke. Horns blared. Metallica started playing on the radio. I was in Hell.  My nether-regions were in intense pain. I just knew I broke my lady bits. I ended up having to be taken to the hospital because my pelvic bone was broken in 2 places, and that is why I did not come to our meeting on Friday, Doug.

Doug- Seriously, that is your excuse?

Ashley- What, you don’t believe me?

Doug- Of course I don’t. You had demons and shit monsters in it. How could you expect me to believe something like that? But I’m not angry about that. What I want to know is if you realized that you were talking shit on me in your inner-monologues when you told this story to me?

Ashley- What do you mean?

Doug- I mean that you called my a cunt-stain, and said that you regularly hope I set myself on fire.

Ashley- Well then, I guess you won’t want these cookies I made you.

Doug- Cookies!?!? FUCK YES I DO!!!

Ashely- [to herself] Ha, ha, men are so easy to trick.

I got him to be the women in this picture. He is sooo my bitch.

Ok, now that I am done sucking Ashley’s metaphorical dick, Let’s get onto this week’s blog!

BLOGGING!!!!!

Just kidding- I’m done. Peace everybody, and Ashley, FEEL BETTER!!!!

Mazzeltov!!!

Google has failed me. I have prayed to It several times, and It refuses to give me what I want. I have been searching, and searching, but that that search engine (which is now basically a god) will not answer my main prayer for the time being: a list of the most badass words ever. Sure, there are some (here and here, though, the second one does have clusterfuck, and I do agree that that is a badass word), but they suck, so I am going to fill that obvious internet void.

Why have you failed me Flying spaghetti Googlemonster?

Let me explain where this is coming from.

As the WS, there are only three men working, compared to the six women who estrogenize up the place with their lady-hormones. This would be ok (I mean, less competition), except for the fact that it is kind of annoying to have overly girly pictures up and put out flyers that are not bad-ass at all. That isn’t even mentioning the fact that the men of the WS were drowning in LOLcats for a year (Thanks April).

Well, this quarter Terry decided to fix that. The flyer he made was of Bruce Lee, and changed his middle name to “Jackhammer.” This changing of the middle name is what started it. I, once seeing “Jackhammer,” became insanely jealous that I did not think of this, and incredibly competitive to outdo The Jackhammer’s badass middle name. So, for the past several months, I have been coming up with my own. I have been trying them out for the past few months via e-mail, like “Love you hard until it hurts” or  “That’s technically considered arson.” And these were enjoyable, yes, but long and awkwardly clunky as a middle name. I continued on my quest to figure out a badass middle name, but at the beginning of this month, I unintentionally gave away an incredibly badass name to another coworker. I had to step up my goddamn game to make up for that folly, but I could not think up any words that were as bad ass as that, so I decided to do what I always do when I need answers to important life questions. I prayed to Google.

But Google didn’t give me any good lists, so I had to make my own. Here it is, and you’re welcome internet!

1.       Romperstomper- a character from South Park, and also the name I foolishly gave to my friend. DAMN YOU BILL ROMPERSTOMBER BURRIS!!!!!

Burn in Hell, Hamburger Helper Glove

2.       Dickery- as in, the act of being a dick

3.       Douchery- the act of being a douche

4.       Shit-storm-a horrible, horrible situation

5.       Destructocon-not sure, but I invision a Transformer that looks eerily like me

6.       Coqroq- a band that sang in some Burger King commercials. They were eventually sued by Slipknot

This is why the world is fucked up.

7.       Thundercock- my dick

8.       Man-gasm- the feeling in response to an overwhelming amount of manliness or manly things

9.       Flame thrower-one of the most badass weapons ever (just under long sword and machine gun, and above gattling gun)

10.   MEAT- Man Food.

11.   Kaplah!- a group call, used right before battle

12.   Ramrod- Don’t ask

13.   Bro-code- a promise that a guy makes to his bros, if he backs out on this promise, he is officially the bitch of the group

14.   Bam!- a call made after a really good punch, kick, or karate chop, or spice is added to a fancy dish my Emeril

15.   Hot pissed- an anger level relating to how close you are to choking that douche Tad from Accounting.

16.   Fagatronics-Something that is exceedingly gay (not “gay” as in “happy” or “gay” as in “homosexual,” but “gay” as in “incredibly stupid.” It’s a homonym (deal with it queers.))

17.   Roar!- the sound a dinosaur or large jungle cat makes

18.   Hellbender- a person so badass that they can battle the forces of the devil. Also, a salamander

It doesn't really live up to its name.

19.   Murderfist- 1. Killing someone with a single punch 2. Killing someone by forcing ones fist so far up said victim’s rectum that it causes severe internal bleeding.

20.   Dr. Fisticuffs- I know that this is a name and not a word, but it’s on the list anyway, so fuck you for questioning me.

21.   Man-storm- something  far worse for you than a shit-storm, also with more testosterone

22.   Skull-fuck- violent oral sex

23.   Word puncher- 1. Puncher of words 2. Robert Brockway

24.   Mind fuck- the act of blowing someone’s fucking MIND

25.   Muthafuckin rapscallion- a rapscallion who also happens to be a mother fucker

That is all that I have so far. If you have any more, please post it in the comments, and I may add them.

Peace out-bitches

Anyway, if you were at all upset that I have not posted anything in the past month, I apologize. But, since I think it’s safe to assume that you don’t give a goddamn about my blog, then all I have to say is Fuck you. For for all 2 of you who do give a damn, I have been temporarily out of ideas for blogs as well as spending my time writing novels, therefore this blog has taken a backseat. I WILL, however, have more to come.

But for now

peace

Also, Thundercock says “hello.”